Landlords and Me

It’s been a long time since anyone’s talked to me like am dirt under their shoe. I thought I left that childish speech behind the counter at McDonald’s.

Turns out our landlord of a year and a half is the slum lord everyone complained about. When we moved in, we found a massive two foot cockroach nest taking up the entire broiler in the oven. We complained. He replaced the range. The next one didn’t work. He replaced it again, with another used range.

Over the next year and a half we called on more than one occasion regarding giant roaches (German and the normal black ones). He always said “I’ll look into it.” Never once did he spray for bugs. The last two weeks we were there, we woke up with shoes in our hands so we could squish any mostly dead ones in the apartment between the bed and the bathroom. Usually we’d find four a day. BIG. At least an inch in length. Many two inches in length. We started spraying ourselves. The morning after we sprayed we found 70 just outside our front and back doors. 70!!!! IN ONE NIGHT! His response “I’ll look into it.”

So we left.

We spent the last week cleaning our STUDIO apartment in preparation for our walk-through with our landlord. When he came by he played the white glove test and said “If you want me to SHOW you how to clean, I will…When you grow up, you’ll learn how to clean…Don’t mean to sound nit-picky but this is MY building, I want it clean.”

I told him, fine, I’ll clean it it again, and give his keys back the next day. That was yesterday.

Today: I went through the entire 325 square feet again top to bottom. Washed the walls, vacuumed the carpet again, washed the oven with oven cleaner, wiped down every surface. There was no dust or dirt in that apartment. Or so I thought.

It just so happened the landlord was in the next building. He saw me when I was taking the last of the garbage out to the dumpster. He accused me of defacing his property and wanted to know what I was throwing away. When I explained I was finishing cleaning the apartment again, he said “Oh, then maybe I should come take a look.”

“By all means. I insist.”

In walks Billy (the landlord).

In the crisper in the fridge he found a crumb. A CRUMB!!!! I’m not exaggerating here either. There were no marks, nothing sticky, no gobs of gunk. No. This was a loose crumb no bigger than the period at the end of this sentence. SERIOUSLY. He told me I didn’t know how to clean and that if he wanted he would pay someone to do it the right way.

In the oven he found water streaks from where I wiped the oven cleaner off. He said, “You really don’t know how to clean do you?”

Then the blinds. There were blinds in the “living room” that had SOME dust on them. His response, “Do I need to teach you everything. Jesus.” He then repeated that he knew he sounded like he was nit-picking.

I said, “If you were really nit-picking before we came, you’d have found THE GIANT ROACH NEST IN THE BROILER. Your white gloves would have found that! Or was the nest clean????”

He claimed no knowledge of the nest. And he said that the range we had was brand new and there were scratches that were coming out of our deposit!!!! There is no way that range was “new.”

He left.

I cleaned AGAIN. Every blind. Went over the oven again. Found a crumb in the fridge he didn’t (obviously he can’t supervise as well as he thinks he can).

I took video that includes my personal white glove test. The neighbor’s friend was visiting and said that he moved out 6 months ago and never saw a penny of his deposit.

The money doesn’t even matter to me anymore. The fact that that bastard talked to me like some 18 year old idiot irritates me more. Just because he had me by the $450 deposit balls, I didn’t tell him he was stepping over the line. Never again. No one will EVER talk to me like that again. Nobody.

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